I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
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Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases