I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
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“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds