Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”