I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
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Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza