I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
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Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.