I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
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9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..