“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
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“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!