Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine

Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans

I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed

Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.

What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”

What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen

I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t

me: WHAT IF

therapist:

me: what if everyone else is underthinking

movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.

That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision

-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance

I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.

She told me newspapers are old school.

She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly never stood a chance.

My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.

I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.

Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.

I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet

Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*

[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”

I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.

I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.

I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.

World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled

You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”

While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

[Emergency Room]

MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?

DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy

When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted

When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.

I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.