I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
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[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.