I wish gyms had a “montage” option
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‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.