I wish gyms had a “montage” option
You Might Also Like
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.