I wish gyms had a “montage” option
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“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”
But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.