I wish gyms had a “montage” option
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Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
You’re not my real can
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Me at my 225th rodeo:
“What the hell is going on?”
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
as the prophecy foretold
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch