I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
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Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
m’lady
Me in tagged photos
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.