Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now

The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.

*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*

your honor my client chooses dare

The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them

Breaking up

(be mature, be mature, be mature)

Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.

Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok

[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]

Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.

Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*

Doctor: What brings you in today?

It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.

[when i was a kid]

DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you

[today]

MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot

ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now

[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here

One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.

I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.

Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!

Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?

Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.

[Restaurant]

Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*

Breaking news:

Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.

Uber Driver: Same, Girl.

So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids

Take my advice, I’m not using it.

What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?

I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.

corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not