I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
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I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
don’t be scared
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
My sex drive has a dui
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.