My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
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My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.