Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.

Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.

If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now

When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.

Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.

hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities

Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.

Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”

God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!

Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you

The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.

But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.

Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!

If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.

Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.

Waiter: Did we decide?

Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.

Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.

why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee

How it started: How it’s going:

[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.

What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon

Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.

All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend

My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude

Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.

My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.

Find you a girl that can lay eggs.

gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket

Too easy.

A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.

Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.

day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me

Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing

*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.