Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.

Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.

Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.

[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11

International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.

[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]

Server: Sir, please

Me: I didn’t say when yet

The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.

– birds

Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?

17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.

if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far

Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

they should create new variants of dopamine

being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey

I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”

“Nope.”

“A spider? An aardvark?”

“Wrong. It’s a horse.”

“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”

[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?

Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.

its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad

“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available

‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’

– Our sodding cat

The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.

date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side

me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu

“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have

My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.

I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure

My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.

This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font