Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.

I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store

Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.

[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome

“Failure is how you grow.”

– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*replaces battery*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*takes battery back out*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER

Smoke Detector:

Me:

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

Science memes

Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.

Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.

I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.

My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.

To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.

wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles

My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.

I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please

I am also baked goods

Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is

Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.

[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE

horse: is ur name liam

liam neeson: yea?

horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie

liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me

Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie

“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*

Me: hold on are you—

roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:

Me:—Bob Ross?