I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”
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Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING