I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”
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i prefer mine room temperature.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows