Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners

Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.

Feeling a little sad…

…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.

Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.

Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.

Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.

I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.

My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑

Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.

Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.

Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2

I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈

My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.

“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”

But she got me a shitty gift.

“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”

Well that’s a dumb policy.

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.

Everyone turns around and stairs at me.

I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.

Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.

Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello

Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones

ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.

Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?

Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”

When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”

friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

[What I think he saw]

Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.

[What he actually saw]

Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise