@SethMacFarlane: I wish I could explain to my cat that when I sneeze it doesn't mean the world is ending.
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@Sickayduh: "Nice place!" Mmmehh "Hungry?" Mmmehh "You look nice." Mmmehh "DO I EVEN MAKE YOU HAPPY?!?" Mmmehh "Mom told me not to date a goat."
@heroinsdemise: Why do baby clothes have pockets? I've never heard a baby say: "cigarettes,phone and keys alright let's go"
@thatdutchperson: [blind date] Her: so do you go on a lot of dates? Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
@ShortSleeveSuit: HER: do you own any firearms ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs