me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
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I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.