I wish I could explain to my cat that when I sneeze it doesn’t mean the world is ending.

You Might Also Like


me: how can Americans be so arrogant?

also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*


If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.


FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”


I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.


Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.


When a pterodactyl urinates, no one hears it. (silent P)


Old lady across from me in ER waiting room just asked me, “So are you sick?”

No, I’m just here for the free CNN.


i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”


I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.