I wish I could explain to my cat that when I sneeze it doesn’t mean the world is ending.

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Tell me, “everything happens for a reason” so I know you’re an idiot.


that lonely feeling when you oust your ex as mayor of your genitals on foursquare


“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event


By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.


Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.


doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015


Probing: Aliens have had plenty of time to figure out our biology -now they’re just having fun.


[walking out of restaurant]

DATE: let’s do this again

ME: thank god I’m starving


Coconut oil on my dry skin this winter has made me attractive to women. Problem is the chocolate from the Mounds bars is ruining my clothes.