@SethMacFarlane

I wish I could explain to my cat that when I sneeze it doesn’t mean the world is ending.

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@Crunk_Jews

Tell me, “everything happens for a reason” so I know you’re an idiot.

@hell_homer

that lonely feeling when you oust your ex as mayor of your genitals on foursquare

@JermHimselfish

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

@FatherWithTwins

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.

@BillWeirCNN

Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.

@carlyken

doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015

@ChiefTwittler

Probing: Aliens have had plenty of time to figure out our biology -now they’re just having fun.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[walking out of restaurant]

DATE: let’s do this again

ME: thank god I’m starving

@ImNotThatJohn

Coconut oil on my dry skin this winter has made me attractive to women. Problem is the chocolate from the Mounds bars is ruining my clothes.