Tell me, “everything happens for a reason” so I know you’re an idiot.
I wish I could explain to my cat that when I sneeze it doesn’t mean the world is ending.
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that lonely feeling when you oust your ex as mayor of your genitals on foursquare
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Probing: Aliens have had plenty of time to figure out our biology -now they’re just having fun.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Coconut oil on my dry skin this winter has made me attractive to women. Problem is the chocolate from the Mounds bars is ruining my clothes.