@SethMacFarlane

I wish I could explain to my cat that when I sneeze it doesn’t mean the world is ending.

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@1followernodad

me: how can Americans be so arrogant?

also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*

@Carbosly

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

@bobvulfov

FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”

@KentWGraham

I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.

@lisaxy424

Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.

@dubouchet

When a pterodactyl urinates, no one hears it. (silent P)

@TheLeslieMommy

Old lady across from me in ER waiting room just asked me, “So are you sick?”

No, I’m just here for the free CNN.

@U_Want_Shum_M8

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

@skittle624

I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.