Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
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I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
What number SPF blocks people?
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.