Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.

Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.

Me:

Rey: Look. I still have two hands.

[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.

It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…

friend: your name badge is on upside down

How I read news articles:

1. Read the headline

2. Go directly to the comment section

3. Have a meltdown

If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?

Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.

[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail

I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.

Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.

Of course I support real issues.

I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement

Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.

Also me: *sends him 67 messages*

Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours

Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”

i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult

I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.

Ryan Reynolds is my cousin

~ me flirting

~ also me lying

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.

Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow

Me: Left hand, red

Me: Left foot, green

Police sketch artist: this can’t be true

Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes

BARISTA: what can I get you

ME: medium roast please

B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato

M: *under breath* damn

Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.

Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?

‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am