I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
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[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.