Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*

The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.

Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies

Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.

ouch

[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much

Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?

Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it

Not long enough ahhh haha ha

My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.

I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.

what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?

( 12pm. )

Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?

Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.

( 12am )

Me:

DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs

I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.

shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs

TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUG

QUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME

THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-

When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.

When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?

Me: Excuse me

Waiter: Yes?

M: The wine’s corked

W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed

M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager

*gets struck by lightning

Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this

If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂

Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.

My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.

If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.