Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.

Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.

People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again

[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed

football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays

Therapist: Where do you see this going?

Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.

With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.

[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]

Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

Friends: Come have a drink with us!

Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.

Friends: C’mon, just one!

Me: Okay, maybe just one…

[ 11 drinks later ]

Me:

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle

When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.

FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?

ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?

Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!

A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet

I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded

*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?

A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away

[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]

If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people

never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife