I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
You Might Also Like
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?