Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”

*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*

ugh, it tastes like the house

I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN

My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.

ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.

the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet

“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off

I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.

If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.

Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?

Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan

My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street

my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat

The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks

What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.

What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too

sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad

Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)

Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.

Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.

i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking

Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.

My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.

Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

I’m in your fridge late at night like this!

[first day as a detective]

ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!

OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there

I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.

Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you