Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.

ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.

GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.

ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.

hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.

Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks

Him: you just offended all of Canada

me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no

I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.

The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.

if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language

4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?

Me: Bat cheese?

4: Yes

Me: Bat. Cheese?

4: Yes. Bat cheese.

Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?

4: For my car

Me:

4:

Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!

4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄

i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984

If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen

I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.

He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me

My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”

A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…

You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here

Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.

Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”

That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.

If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.

Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.

forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies

Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.

Dracula: Vhere? Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.

Dracula: Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..

Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??

Saint West, the patron of selfies

“That’s so cool,” she lied.

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota