Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.

The cat: Bet

I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.

“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?

greetings!

When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants

If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.

My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.

Why is my purse so heavy?

*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit

HER: Wow you look great.

ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.

So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?

My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.

Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.

An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.

Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”

Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”

we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.

Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad

This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”

[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat

I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems

ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand

DATE: ??

ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor

guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point

I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

My boss called in sick of me

Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.

ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet