I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
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Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
This woman posted her giant baby on TikTok and the Detroit Lions commented “dibs” I can’t believe we’re about to lose this app.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single