I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
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Herpes is trending, good job people
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Me trying to “trust the process”
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21