I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
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My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.