I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
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Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
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ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
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Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
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i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”