I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
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I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
When he asks for feet pics
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Never forget.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Look at this
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.