I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
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[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
i lied there’s no sex. stand over there and tell me if this painting im hanging is straight
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*