I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
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I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
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dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*