I wish I could listen to my headphones when I go for a run and not have to worry about getting attacked, but sadly we do not live in a world where I go running.
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Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Morning all.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great