I wish I could listen to my headphones when I go for a run and not have to worry about getting attacked, but sadly we do not live in a world where I go running.
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I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
The Others (2001)
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?