Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*

Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.

Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.

Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.

If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again

“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.

im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand

ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time

HER: you mean ‘ravages’?

ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me

Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney

Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.

I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.

You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.

[first date]

her: what did you study in college

me: (wearing ski mask) burgling

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope

Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.

Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.

[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die

*I walk in*

ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone

*First day as a forest ranger*

Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here

Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby

Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money

If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.

me: *barges into the room*

How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie

Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101

Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.

hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore