Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.

Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave

Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.

Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.

I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.

friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?

me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??

friend: it’s andrew garf-

me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield

when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap

Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.

How to get a girl to like you:

1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible

Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal

Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.

Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong

Me: I know!

Mechanic: Your car’s fine though

Me: ok cool

Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.

They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.

Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.

ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down

THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap

I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.

Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!

“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”

Me on my first day as a mortician