Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]

Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.

*Guy tries giving me his phone number*

Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign

[carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full

[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet

2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again

Me: what the hell…I already did this hour

How to draw a duck

Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?

Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.

H:

Me:

H: I think it’s time to take a break…

Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.

H: …from twitter

5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs

Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?

Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?

I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck

doctor: “we can’t bring your husband out of a coma. It’s already been 2 weeks.”

Me: “hang on I have an idea” [buys a truck without towing package]

Husband: [both eyes pop open]

It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.

It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.

* flips hair, potato chip falls out *

when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful

[pulling my wife out of the sewer]

her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down

I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send

My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago