I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
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[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
I need to get some bricks…
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing