I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
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My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.