@StainsQueen

I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my keys

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@poizngrl

If my children are any indication of how much I talk, I would now like to apologize to any man I’ve ever dated…EVER

@Marlebean

I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.

@TheTalkingPipe

My way or the highway. It takes two to tango. What I’m saying is, “welcome to idiom club”. Now, let’s cut to the chase.

@junejuly12

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

@KylePlantEmoji

“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations

“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations

@mishakey

If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.

@TweetPotato314

me: i recently lost my job

date: oh no what happened

me: the office relocated and i can’t find it

@DanMentos

me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving

@jazmasta

A fun game to play when you’re lonely is “passing the ball from your imaginary husband to your imaginary child”

@thatUPSdude

Turns out if your grandmother dies more than 6 times in a year, HR will start to question your request for time off.