I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my keys

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If my children are any indication of how much I talk, I would now like to apologize to any man I’ve ever dated…EVER


I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.


My way or the highway. It takes two to tango. What I’m saying is, “welcome to idiom club”. Now, let’s cut to the chase.


Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.


“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations

“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations


If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.


me: i recently lost my job

date: oh no what happened

me: the office relocated and i can’t find it


me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving


A fun game to play when you’re lonely is “passing the ball from your imaginary husband to your imaginary child”


Turns out if your grandmother dies more than 6 times in a year, HR will start to question your request for time off.