why am I working on Labor Day
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It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Dietest Coke
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
I’m a self-made hundredaire
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning