i wish i could marry a nap
You Might Also Like
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Lmao 🤣
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”