i wish i could marry a nap
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I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
This is my brand.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”