I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
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what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
There’s never enough good news
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.