Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vet: “I can see the head…

…here’s the neck…

…more neck…

…more neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…still more neck…

…neck…

…it’s a giraffe!”

I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.

it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,

..today i bought a 5lb bag.

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

How I like cutting carbs

I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.

One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.

You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.

The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.

Imagine having a party on purpose.

My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.

I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.

Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?

Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.

My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with

The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.

[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.

Villian: one false move and you’re history

Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you

speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

(Vegan zombie)

“Mmmm ….. grains”