I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
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This is a fact based meme 😏😂
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.