I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
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Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
my favorite genre of twitter
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band