I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
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[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
Big Sex has us all fooled
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
