Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.

Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.

Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.

“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.

“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.

I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.

One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!

I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.

if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.

It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair

Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.

i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha

[renovating house]

ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?

Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.

My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good

Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.

My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.

Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…

Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.

When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.

[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?

I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.

*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.