I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
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Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
channeling her this year
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*