‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
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The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
my proudest tweet
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
I identify as an antique shop.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!