I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Extremely relatable.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.