i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
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Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you