i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
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Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
This is my brand.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.