i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
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Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Me too 😆
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
I needed a laugh this morning.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife