i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
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FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?