i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
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I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking