I wish I could veto my bills.
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If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Science is fun!
#nottrue
I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
jesus, what did this guy do
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.