I wish I could veto my bills.
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I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
she has a point
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if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*