I wish I could veto my bills.
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[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Orange is oranging 🟠
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a 10, but imaginary
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
opening twitter today
The guy at the party who casually pukes on your ficus plant and keeps on talking without missing a beat is not the one you should worry about.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.