I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
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moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
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“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder