I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
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FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Every damn time
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Whoa… oh I see lol
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good