Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.

[watching the Lord of the Rings]

Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?

Wife: Sauron’s Wife.

Me: but he’s not married lol.

Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?

Me:

Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.

They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.

Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands

Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins

Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-

Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed

Me: … that long

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.

Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”

Bed should get ready for ME

I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

what the hell pray for carter everyone

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

There’s a whole world of people out there!

*closes the door*

Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.

50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun

50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST

I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.

If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.

I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.

Fly is dead.

Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?

My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.

Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.

Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.

#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.

I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs

me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.