I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
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Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
re there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?
Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not