Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.

I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car

Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake

Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable

Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU

me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam

Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.

My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.

Wanna go out with me?

Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.

I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.

like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.

Home is where your toilet is.

5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands

Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here

Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.

Leftover Pie:

“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6

they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome

Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.

FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised

One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.

ME:

THERAPIST: ok?

Me: would that make you happy?

What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?

Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.

Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.

[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities

Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.

[dinner, my place]

“This tastes like pork?”

ME: You asked for a nice swine

“No, a nice wine”

ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?

Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace