I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
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My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
How do you milk an almond?
You can’t rush stupid.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…