“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
I wish I had as much confidence as the dude that’s getting ready to eat that gas station sushi has.
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Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears glass break*
*knows where I am*
“You clean up nicely”, is just a polite way of saying, “You usually look like shit.”
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.