@SugarMagicSpice

I wish I had as much confidence as the dude that’s getting ready to eat that gas station sushi has.

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@GregHenchman

“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens

@mydmac

Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Me: A BIKINI BODY

T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?

Just after I finish this beer.

@iwearaonesie

[IKEA]
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears glass break*
*knows where I am*

@Cali_Kid_Mike

“You clean up nicely”, is just a polite way of saying, “You usually look like shit.”

@haveigotnews

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

@ndiquote

me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING

@OhNoSheTwitnt

David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.

@aveuaskew

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.