ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
You Might Also Like
life finds a way
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.