Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.

Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.

Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.

Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.

[swimming pool]

me: do you have family changing facilities?

clerk: yes we do

me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife

My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.

Hot singles in your area are eating chili.

When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.

Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.

What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?

Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.

[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.

[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi

*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*

me: brush your teeth

my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth

Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives

My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”

Erm…

If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.

GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational

ANGEL: ok cool

GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol

‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours

My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen

Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.

Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink

When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume

I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.

It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy

A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.