I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
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I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
So the ex texted me
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
My goal for 2025 is to hang enough poetry in my bathroom that anyone who uses it comes out sobbing
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
“Theirye’re” problem solved
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.