I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
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Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
One venti cheeseburger please.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.