Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.

“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”

-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?

Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.

My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.

Dating is rough.

Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.

*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*

She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.

If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.

the world’s most popular steaming services

My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.

Try it…”Bluetooth connected”

a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit

I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.

If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.

Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out

when u get so high u forget u ordered food

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.