“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
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the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Just say no
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
I was told that I look like the kind of person that loves playing tetris and I just don’t know how to take that
I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.